As a child and young teen I always felt different. I felt more mature than other kids my age. Although, looking back, I was just as immature as other kids. I was the kid who always hung out with adults rather than kids my own age. When I was 15 I would do anything and everything just to get the attention of boys…even grown-ass men! I didn’t know it at the time but I was looking for validation. I was looking for acceptance. I was looking for attention. I was looking in all of the wrong places.
By the time I was 17 I was pregnant with my first child, by a 35-year-old man! A man who was sent to prison because when we initially started hooking up, I was only 15 years old. This man gave me the attention that I was so desperately looking for…or so I thought. Little did I know but the attention he was giving me was slowly killing me inside, and I was already fragile due to being molested when I was around 6 years old. By the time I was 20 I was pregnant with our second child…a complete surprise!
This relationship was full of emotional abuse. It wasn’t until I was 23 years old that I finally decided that enough was enough and I left him for the last time. The damage was already done though, I was a complete emotional wreck. I had no self-worth, I had no self-esteem, I had no self-value. So, I jumped into the next relationship that came my way. I did not want to be in this relationship but I felt as if this was the best I could do. I didn’t want to be alone for the rest of my life so…I settled.
I quickly got married and was pregnant with my 3rd child right away, but even though I was married I was still alone. My husband was gone all the time working. He would be gone for weeks and months on end which actually worked out perfectly as I did not enjoy being around him. 2 years later, I had my 4th child. Throughout the 12 years that we were married, I left him a total of 3 times. The first 2 times I left him though I went back. I went back because I was still that weak and broken child. I had not taken the time to work on myself…something that I desperately needed to do.
Finally, I took the time to work on myself. I spent a year or so in counseling, I took a few years looking at my life, the things I had done, and the things I had been through. It was at this time that I finally started to find my worth, my self-esteem, my value. I finally realized that I was worth it. I was worth being in a healthy relationship. I was worth having a man who I loved. I was worth having a man who loved me for who I was and who I was becoming.
I WAS WORTH IT!
By the time my marriage ended, I had already healed. I know that sounds funny, but because of all the counseling and time I had taken for myself, I was in such a good place emotionally and physically.
When I met my current husband I felt as if I was living on a cloud. Life felt like a dream. I had no idea that love could feel like this. I had no idea what it was like to be in a healthy relationship. I had no idea that life could be this amazing. Tim taught me so many things about love and life.
For so much of my life I had felt alone and I did not want others around me to have to feel that way. When I looked at others around me, I could see that they were feeling the same way either in their own life or their relationship with their spouse. It didn’t take long before I started having the desire to share everything that I had been through. I hated seeing others in the same position that I had once known so well, I wanted to help them in any way that I could.
It was those feelings that helped me to discover my voice. It was those feelings that helped to give me the courage to start sharing with those around me. This is my life’s mission…to help encourage others, to uplift others, and to support others around me.
